Last week I talked about friendships and what happens when they suddenly end. I have been pondering my friendships to understand what happens and what it will take for me to be a great friend as well as an incredible Life Coach in the area of Confidence and Self Esteem.
What I saw in myself and my friendships was shocking. I’ve been being a bratty demanding friend and ending relationships with the Kiss of Death. I want you to know, that I have been doing some powerful work in and around my friendships. I have taken immediate action, cleaned up and have gotten rid of olds way of behaving that no longer work or serve me.
What I know is that I love my friends. My friends love me and love being with me. However, what I saw about myself is that I do not have space for them to make mistakes in their friendship with me. I want my friends to be perfect and not cause me any concerns or hurt me in any way that I deem unsuitable for a friendship. So the moment I experience an upset or cause for concern, real or imagined, I confront them. If they do not act the way I want them to, I end the relationship. I am gone. They’re dead to me. This has cost me a lot of friends.
This is just a basic example of what I do:
I send them a text or email which is filled with love and the Kiss of Death.
I erase them from all my communications, Facebook, phone etc.,
When I see them around, I ignore them.
I don’t want to know anything about them ever because I’ll get upset.
Whenever I think about them and have unresolved emotions.
This is what I am left with:
Friends that I have ignored or mentally killed off.
Friends who even if they wanted to be in communication, cannot reach me they’re blocked or ignored.
I have am upset, angry and miss my friends.
I am left with longing with memories of great friends and times that are no long present in my life.
Continuous conversations and stories about what happened or did not happen.
What I’m already being is:
Stubborn – I’ll be dammed, l’ll no longer communicate with them.
Justified – They are wrong, I am right.
Angry and pissed off – To hell with them!
Sad and replaying memories- I’m stubborn and I will not surrender. They have to say they are sorry first and confess the wrong they have done me.
In the end, what I discovered is that I need to accept my friends as humans. They are going to do and say things that I do not agree with. Whatever happens in my friendships is not personal. I can accept them anyway they are and are not. I realize what was missing is: vulnerability, integrity, love, patience, kindness and graciousness.
I took on what was missing in my life and what I saw was the piles up upset feelings I created for myself and for my friends. I realize that this way of being is not who I want to be in my life. I proceeded to call my friends and send email to them and one by one. I put the integrity back in my life and my relationships by sharing my experiences and how I felt about our relationship. I let them know I could be counted on going forward.
The response has been great. They got to share how it was for them being on the other end of my stuff (crap.) For those I spoke on the phone with, I have declared that I will clean up with them in person as well. I shared with them what was there for me, what had me kill off the relationship and how the fear of being told what to do, of being wrong, judged and evaluated, actually impacted our friendship. I had no compassion for my friends and was being a spoiled brat. The person who was being hard on me was me.
Going forward, my friends get to choose powerfully if they want to engage in a relationship with me from nothing. I get to accept them as they are and as they are not. If I cannot accept them how they are, then I have no right calling myself a friend. I don’t have to make them wrong and me right. This approach does not work. I am a Life Coach and create transformation in other people’s lives. It was a young conversation which caused me to get reactivated and where I did not have language. Well, I have the language now and I will use it.
With all that said, I want my friends to know that I love them. I am transforming my old friendships into friendships where I have understanding and communication, where I will be being vulnerable, loving, gracious, and kind. They get to be however they are and choose powerfully if they wish to be friends with me. Together, we create relationships that work. With that I no longer have to experience fear of loss, upset or some impending hurt. Whatever way my friends choose to be is fine.
Where in your life are you willing to take action and reclaim your friendship with people you have killed off by giving them The Kiss of Death?
Love, Noreen Sumpter